i have a long way to go.

I'm not very good and staying motivated. I try but to be honest it doesn't work for me. I can make myself lists of things to do, and only a few things on it will actually get done. Sometimes I can be stone cold, or so happy people think I'm on crack. I go through times of depression and anxiety or I'll be so content with life people will ask me, "How are you so chill?"
Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm human. That's been something that's been really hard for me to accept. I want to be a certain way or atleast in the past I have. I've wanted to be this amazing straight A student with amazing organizing skills who's a neat freak and who has a billion friends. That's just something I have to work on everyday.
I have my flaws. In fact, I have so many that some people may sterotype me for a bad person. Yes, I have lied. Yes, I have done things I'm not proud of. Yes, I have not treated my family how I should have. Yes, I have been hurt and hurt others. The amazing thing about those things are that I'm not the only one who does those things. Because I may do those things, it doesn't mean I'm a bad person nor does it make it right for me to do those things. But I'm human. I've finally come to accept that.
I'm screwed up. But who else isn't. No one's perfect. I finally am starting to heal, to grow, and to feel again. I realize I have a long way to go. So, here's to the journey.

friends.

A friend is one of the nicest things you can have, and one of the best things you can be.

-Douglas Pagels

What a quote. It makes me think about what kind of friend I am.

This past Thursday, I was attending Institute. I take the New Testament and I usually learn so much from that class. This week I was distracted more than usual. My mind was running every where.

The teacher, who is such an amazing teacher, had us open up to Mark 2. It's the story we have all heard, some guy can't walk and so his friend cut the roof and lower the guy down. I didn't think much of it. To me at that moment it was just another miracle Christ performed. [I know I sound like a brat.] But then, our teacher asked us this rhetorical question, "Do you have friends in your life that make it possible, no matter what the circumstances, for you to see Christ?"

Immediately, the spirit shared with me a name of a friend. It was my friend Matt Bair.

Matt and I met up at Eastern Arizona in January. He lived in the same apartment complex which means he also was in my ward. I started going to the same Family Home Evening group as him. He would frequently give the lessons on those Monday nights and I always enjoyed them.

When I wasn't making good choices, he was still there. He never judged me. He would be there always in a heartbeat whenever I was in need of comfort. He often would give me blessings. Overall, he was a true example of Christ.

I had done something that I wasn't proud of and I told him about it. I knew I needed to get my life in order and it was one of the things I needed to do to make a step in the right direction. Instead of judging me and getting angry with me like another friend did, he forgave me and appreciated me coming clean with him.

Throughout the summer, we would talk frequently. He always motivated me to become better and to not be so hard on myself.

Recently, I was talking about the experience with him and admitting to him how hurt I felt on how the other friend had put me down while coming clean. He then admitted that he has stood up for me. He continued to tell me that he told the individual that I deserved the right to change.

Matt Bair is that friend who shows me the way to Christ no matter the circumstances.

Because of him, I have another reason to love my life.

blig blug bloggity blog.

I officially love having my blog. I've had it for a while but the funny thing is I've never been so excited to go home and just blog. I have even gotten to the point where I'll be doing something during the day and I'll be like I can totally blog about that. Today, I was reading in the September 2011 Ensign and I really was like I need to blog about that article I read. Then I started wondering if my blog was going to actually go anywhere. But, then I realized it doesn't matter if it does. I'm doing this for me, my [future] family, and those who are guided to it by my loving Heavenly Father.

So, if you are reading my blog, there are only 4 reasons:

1. I told you to.

2. You're family.

3. You're bored.

OR

4. You felt like you needed to.

I hope that you learn something from all my different posts. Feel free to comment, express your feelings, love or concerns. Part of this life is learning from your mistakes and from others.

As you all know, I'm truly loving my life no matter what. xoxo

count your blessings.

I don't remember a time in my life in which everything in life was going right. I'm not saying that I'm not having challenges or hard times but, everything works out and works out for the better! I never know what life is going to throw in mine or my family's life but I really don't worry about it because of the fact that I have the gospel of my Savior, Jesus Christ in my life.
I have always been a member all my life but honestly that doesn't mean I've been a member. That all changed within the last couple of years. More recently though, my life has been dramatically changed for the better.
May 30, 2011, I woke up and stared at my ceiling in my apartment and felt like a ton of bricks were on my chest. I knew that something wasn't right. I had been feeling like something wasn't right for a bit but, I think I kept filing it in my filing cabinents in the back of my head as I often use to do. I got up and went through my morning activity, go eat and sit on the couch. Nothing exciting going on in the day. I found myself lost in my thoughts and it hit me. What I was doing with my life, was not going to get me anywhere. I knew I needed to change and that it was not going to happen in Thatcher, Arizona where I was living. So I called my mom, and 6 hours later I was home with my family. Probably the best impulsive decision I've made in a really long time.
The summer went by so slowly. I was hired in June to be an instructional aide for a 12 year old girl who has down syndrome. Sadly, I had to wait until August to start, so that caused things to go by really slow. My family was having a hard summer. Our life had been turned up side down it felt like. My siblings were so different. My mom was pretty sick. Dad was working 10-14 hours day and making hardly anything. Dylan was in Utah and we had no idea what really was going on with him. But, because of all these things it stirred my desire to become a true member of the church. I knew that I needed to start praying everyday morning and night, not just when I needed something. I knew that my scriptures had to become a priority. Most of all, I knew that I needed to stop trying to put on appearances and live what I was trying to appear to be.
This was the best summer I have ever had. I finally felt the spirit again. I was closer to my family especially to my mom than ever before and I was making progress. Work started and man do I have my work cut out for me everyday. I am taking a sign language class in which my wonderful parents paid for. It's been a blast learning this language! It's a struggle for me not to talk in the class of course.
I started attending Institute and that's where I met Brenton. Brenton had only been home from his 2 year mission to Finland for about 2 weeks the first time I met him. I was immediately attracted to him but he wasnt sitting anywhere really close to me so that I was able to talk to him. Luckily for me though, he was within eye sight so I was able to glance at him a lot! After Institute, there are really adorable couples that make meals so that they can get all the YSA's to linger longer and interact with each other. Brenton walked by and I noticed he wasn't going to stay so I called out to him and told him to grab some food. He admitted that he was having a hard time adjusting back to American food. That was our first interaction with each other and I had no idea why he had an affect on me already, but he did. The next week, I got out of my sign language class a little late and I decided to go home because Dylan came home from Utah. I decided to go to Institue even though I was going to be a half hour late. How glad I am that I did! When I arrived, I peeked through the window to see where a seat was so that I could get in there without interrupting to much. I noticed that there was a seat next to Brenton but I decided against going and sitting by him. I did sit in a seat where I had a good view of him! :) Later in the class, I made some comment and I noticed out of the corner of my eye was that Brenton had completely turned aroudn to look at me. I looked towards him and made eye contact and just knew that I needed to get to know him.
After class, I went into the gym for the linger longer and was chatting with some friends when I heard a voice ask me if the seat next to me was taken. I looked over to make sure the voice belonged to who I thought it did. It was Brenton with his bright smile. I'm pretty sure my heart skipped a beat or two but I quickly recovered and told him that he was more than welcome to sit next to me. We chatted and to me it felt like I had known him for a while when in reality I barely knew this kid. He left and I made the brave move to add him on facebook. He accepted (thankfully!). So the next step was to try and get to hang out with him. I went over in my mind if I was being too forward by just writing him on facebook and being like oh we should hang out or if I should just wait until next Institute to see him or whatever! I finally decided on just writing him on facebook and I simply said,"hey i'm glad we were able to talk the other night, we should hang out sometime." Luckily, he replied by agreeing and giving me his number and the rest is history! I wrote him on a Friday and we went out to lunch that next Wednesday. I've seen him everyday since! I think my favorite activity with him so far was when we went on a temple date. It was the first time I had been in several years, and I don't think I could have gone with someone more perfect. Brenton is so supportive in everything. We went and did baptisms for the dead and Brenton was able to confirm and baptize me. I loved walking out of there hand and hand with him knowing that it was an activity where not only we were helping others but, we were doing something that was going to better ourselves and our relationship.
I have finally slowed myself down and realized how blessed I truly am. There are so many things that I have been blessed with but I think the best thing that I've been blessed with are the people in my life. So whenever I hear Blake Shelton's song God Gave Me You, I tend to think about all the different people who have been placed in my life. (If you have never heard the song you need to listen to it.)
So truly, I am loving life no matter what.

who says.

Who says your not good enough?

Satan does. Man do I H-A-T-E him. That probably isn't the most Christ like thing to say but, honestly, he is very hurtful.

Everyone talks about how there are all these things to look out for. That he has all the traps set up and we need to be better to not let him in. But, who out of those people haven't fallen for his traps?

I am one of those people, who falls into his traps. I can look at myself in the mirror and just think, "Wow, look another zit. Dang my eyebrows are not very well groomed. Stupid teeth, you aren't very white. Come on boobs. Why aren't you a little bigger?" But what good does that honestly do for me? IT DOESN'T DO ANY GOOD!

Satan constantly works on me everyday. When I was dating Nathan, he was always putting these ideas in my mind that I was never good enough for him, especially that I didn't fit into his life style. When really, it was just the opposite. Everything that he had, he worked for. I was good enough because HELLO I was dating him!

Satan also puts temptations in my path and he does it mostly with entertainment. I have Netflix at my apartment at school that my roommate and I share. We love to watch tv shows and movies on it! But,the bad thing is that we have access to movies that we honestly shouldn't have access to. There are way to many rated 'R' movies out there! It's really easy to just say, "oh, they only have a few cuss words." Or even say, "There is only one nude scene!" It's a very Satan-ic way to think and the said thing is, everyone is guilty of doing it once in their life.

Even though I have the issue with letting Satan in a lot, I'm not going to let him determine if I'm going to be happy for not. OR if I'm lovin life.

Because I am, loving life no matter what.

Anger is not an expression of strength..

Anger is not an expression of strength. It si an indication of one's inablility to control his thought, words, his emotions...when the weakness of anger takes over, the strength of reason leaves.

-Gordon B. Hinckley

This week (man) was not a good one at all.

Do you know how hard it is to get over heartbreak? It hasnt even been a full week and I have cried so much, lost a bunch of sleep, haven't been eating, and my personal hygine levels have dramatically changed. But you know what, life goes on. I care the world for that boy still and if I had my choice I wouldn't change the week for anything.

It really is my fault. I am an awfully contentious person. I am such a weak person. I really have so much growing up to do. It sucks to admit that I don't have hardly any strength. I am someone that lets my pride take over everything.

I was talking to a friend and he gave me some suggestions on how to not be prideful. So, my goal is to not be prideful, to serve others. So, I'm going to atleast one act of service a day and blog about it. Maybe you'll even get a picture of the service!

I got to go home to Mesa. I'm finally able to see them. It's spring break for me and I was suppose to stay in Thatcher and find a job but, I would have sat and wallowed in self pitty.

I am loving life no matter what though.

when your day is glum, blog.

I'm extremely frustrated. Today, I feel very unappreciated. That's all I'm going to say.

I got to talk to my brother Dylan today. Man, it was really nice to hear his voice. I miss that guy.

The other thing that's hard, is the fact that I'm at the age when all of my closest friends have different schedules or they are on missions.

I did get to do something else that I enjoy today which was go to institute and read the book The Hunger Games.

Tonight is FHE and I'll probably go running tonight.

But honestly, I love my life even if I had a glum day.

the sabbath day is a special day.

I love being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I love wearing my CTR ring and trying to live my life by only choosing the right. I love going to sacrament meeting and being able to partake of the sacrament. I love going to my church meetings and feeling of the spirit that is there continually. I love listening to the speakers in church and learning through the spitit.

Yesterday at church, Nathan was the speaker. He did a really great job. Not only does he know what he is talking about but he is a really good speaker. The topic he spoke on was judging others. Like everyone else in this world, I find myself judging others quite frequently, when really I shouldn't be. The thing that really stuck with me from his talk was that you have to judge but, you have to judge righteously. We all have to make judgements in life. It's actually something that I find myself having to do almost everyday. What I need to focus on is making sure that my judgements are righteous. That they are something the Lord would want us to do and that they are something that will allow the spirit to continuse to dwell with us.

I truly love life no matter what.

February 27, 2011

On February 27, 1992, Jon and Carene Wilson recieved a phone call that would change their life. They got the call that their daughter was ready for them to come get. The adoption was finally going to happen. It was Jon's birthday and he really didn't realize how great of a birthday present he was getting!

My father means the world to me. He not only has been my parent but, he has been my friend. I have a lot of memories with my father but, the thing I miss is our monthly PPI's. I loved that time with my dad because it was the only time that I felt that he actually set everything else aside that was going on in his life to focus on just me and my needs.

My dad is one of the most hard working people I know. I don't know if I would be the person I was today if I didn't have him as an example. His testimony has strengthened mine countless times. I love you daddy!

lovin' life no matter what.

we're goin' to party..

cause its my birthday.

YES YES YES! I'm finally 19. The dumb thing I realized though is that it doesn't matter that I'm 19, I can still do the same old stuff I did when I was 18. Whooopie! Oh age is just but a number when you turn 18. (Atleast that's how I feel.)

I woke up on Friday and just didn't feel any different. My brain started running all over the place just thinking about everything I needed to do before I went to my 8 o'clock math class. I was actually contemplating not even going and just emailing my teacher to tell him I didn't go to class cause it was my birthday. But, then I realized how foolish I was being and decided that I need to be a big girl and put my big girl panties on and go to class.

So, I hopped right out of bed and headed straight for the bathroom to start doing my normal routines when I found the following on my mirror:

For those of you who can't read it this is what it says: HAPPY BIRTHDAY LEX! Okay.. So here's the deal.. Yes it's true.. I decided to write you a sappy love poem for your B-Day. So check it.. there are 6 stanzas to the poem, and you've got to find them all (6) throughout your entire day and peice those puppies together! Good Luck! And Happy Birthday! Love Nathan.

That would be when I realized that the day wasn't going to be like any other day. It was my special day that I got once a year! I got really excited and I really couldn't stop smiling! Every note came with a purple tulip which are my favorite flowers! I was thoroughly impressed that he had remembered.

Anyways, I'm getting ready to walk out the door and my roommate Shantae tells me to check the fridge. I was thinking like really you know I'm about to walk out and I'm running late already! But I'm glad I did go look! This is what I found:

It was a little Justin Bieber bear that was holding a tulip and the next stanza to the poem. That's when I really got excited for the rest of the stanza's. The poem just kept getting cuter and cuter!

So, I go to my math class completely just ready to be done with school so that I could see Nathan and just spend the rest of the day with him. I go to English and it was canceled. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! (I hate my English class) Then I have Anthropology and I'm just getting really ancy to get my next notes which is funny cause in walks Nathan's friend Bryce with a purple tulip and the next stanza! Man, was I smiling! Then in walks Jamie with another one! I got two in one class period! I read the next stanza's and I couldn't wait to get the next notes so I could read the whole note. I honestly was just anxious to get out of that class so I could go to lunch and finally see Nathan! I really needed to start thanking him for everything!

Well, I finally get out of class and get to see Nathan. We go home and he made me mac and cheese and hot dogs for lunch which was yummy! For some reason I needed to go into my room and when I did, my bed was made and there were balloons and gifts with other thoughtful cute notes!

This Cinderella coloring book had a tulip and a note on it that said: "I promised we would color in a coloring book sometime right? Well, what better day than your B-DAY! We'll do it tonight :) HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" Cute huh?!

Then he got me a new Justin Bieber poster and the book the Hunger Games. I was really excited! He is so cute! I also found the fifth and sixth stanza for the poem. The poem was so cute!

Then the rest of the day was really simple. We watched 24, went on a run, ate french toast, went to an institute activity, he played guitar for me, watcher more 24, and went to bed. I wouldn't have asked for a better birthday though!

Thank you, Nathan. I love my life.

Nathan Smith was born on February 23..

1989.

I don't know if anything significant happened that year except the fact Nathan was born!

The day started out as a dreary cold day, which really is all Thatcher seems to be having lately. I hurried and got ready for my dreadful eight o'clock class. I was really ready for school to be done so I could start on all of my little surprises for Nathan. I started out in the morning by just leaving a simple note on his car that said happy birthday!

We had Book of Mormon so of course I had to slip and tell people it was his birthday! You have to let people know it's someone's special day or else you are unamerican.

Lunch time came around and we had his favorite, the classic grilled cheese sandwhich with some good ole tomatoe soup. We also watched 24, a tv series, which has started to become a lunch/ dinner time ritual. It was a good lunch!

We had Spanish and yes I did the American thing and let the class know it was his birthday. So our teacher announced instead of us singing to him, he had to sing to us in Romanian. (Nathan went to Romania on his mission and he just recently got back in October of 2010.) I love hearing him speak and sing Romanian!

After Spanish, I went home while he went to his next class. Oh boy did I have a blast! Nathan lives in the trailers across the street from my apartment and out from of his trailer there is this cement slab/sidewalk. So, I decided to chalk it on up! This was the end product:

I loved doing this! It was so much fun! I then made these really cute signs that I sat on his bed with his gift! I got him this really handsome purple ash wash hoodie and a grey v-neck. Oh and I also put balloons on his bed! It was fun!

We went to the Clont's house for dinner and they gave him a gift card which he loved! I made him his favorite cake funfetti with my mom's yummy cream cheese frosting. It was a hit! I invited his friends over and we sang and ate yummy cake! It was fun!

The last surprise of the night was just going to the temple and looking at the stars. We had fun just spending time with each other.

Nathan is such a blessing in my life. He continually makes me want to become a better person just by his example that he sets for me everyday. I'm so grateful that he is a worthy priesthood holder and that he is able to give me blessings at anytime! I'm so blessed to have him! I really love having him in my life!

And of course, I'm lovin life no matter what :)

President's Day Weekend. A three day weekend means what?

IT MEANS NO MORE STRESSING ABOUT SCHOOL!

What a perfect weekend, break, stress reliever ever! I couldn't have asked for a better weekend!! Nathan and I decided that it would be nice to meet each others parents so, we did just that! Friday after school we packed up his cute little Ford five seater hatchback Focus and were on our way to Mesa to stay with my family for a bit.

Friday night, Nathan and I had our own little date night. It was so fun! We went to AMC and saw the movie UNKNOWN. I didnt feel very well during the movie, which resulted in me falling asleep during a part of it, but the movie really was a five star fantastic movie! I would recommend it in a heart beat to anyone.

Saturday. We woke up and got on our way to go get Nathan's oil changed but, the place we were going wasn't open. You would think on a Saturday that they would be open, come on! Luckily, it wasn't a big deal that we didn't get it done. We ended up heading over to his grandparents house and they gave all of this yummy citrus. There is enough at my apartment to last for a very long time! Nathan's grandparents love politics so that's all they were talking about! But that's perfectly fine especially since that's what I'm majoring in. Then we went and met up with my family, Ashley, and her kids to go out to eat for my birthday! We went to Macaroni Grill. Man oh man was the food delicious! Such a fun time with the family!

Later Saturday, we went to Ross and Target to go shopping! I got Nathan's birthday present, some really cute shoes, and a shirt. Such a fun time! We then went to Barnes and Noble and I grabbed the bood "The Hunger Games" to read while Nathan caught up on some homework. We were there for a little over three hours and I think I can speak for the both of us by saying it was the most relaxing time.

Sunday. Nathan and I packed up the car and headed to church with my family. We just stayed for Sacrament but I was very happy to be sitting in that second row at church with my family again. I missed them so much. We said our goodbye's and headed out to Phoenix to spend the rest of our Sunday with Nathan's family. The first thing that I met when we arrived was his families dogs. They are so adorable! They have a mut called Pepe. He is a black and white really small dog but, he is super smart. Their family also has a pug named Abby. She is the only girl in their family so, of course she is the princess of the family! We then went to church with his brother Daniel. They have a huge ward! It was a really good Sacrament meeting. Nathan's parents then came home and we had a delicious dinner with them! The rest of the day was just spent talking with their family and we watched this tv show called Murlin. Nathan and I then stayed up for a while and talked. I won't lie, I didn't think the weekend good get any better then it already had been!

Monday. I finally got to sleep in a little longer then the rest of the weekend. It was very nice to sleep in Nathan's temper pudic bed. (Sorry for making you sleep on the couch babe!) I really dreaded going back to Thatcher and going back to my twin box spring mattress after that! We got ready and headed out with his family to go celebrate his birthday at PF CHANGS. I loved PF Changs. The food was amazing! It was really fun just talking, eating, and watching how his family interacts with each other. The Smith family is such an awesome family! Nathan and I then packed up the car to head out to go back to school but, we didn't forget to go shopping of course! We took a detour to the local Old Navy and had a blast picking out a new outfit. Who doesn't love clothes?!

The weekend as you can see was non-stop go go go but what an amazing blessing it was to get a break from school! I'm so grateful for my family and the Smith family! I really am lovin life no matter what!

February. Well the first half atleast.

What a crazy month February has been! School is keeping me as busy as ever! I am enjoying all of my classes, well except my English class. The class I'm in makes me feel like I'm back in junior high. The teacher is continually disorganized. But I should just be grateful that I'm able to attend school where I do! I got my first "A" on a Spanish test just last week and man was I so excited! A 96% is a huge deal for me! It made me realized that I am actually smart!

I have been spending a lot of time with my handsome boyfriend Nathan Smith! We have a lot of fun together. One day, when we were feeling very adventurous, we went out in Thatcher and explored this old barn that I have been wanting to explore for a while now! We found the coolest things! We found this old chevy truck, an old cash register, an old 50's stove and this fridge that who knows how old it is! It really was a blast!

Of course, Valetine's Day was this month. Nathan got me a rose, a card and he made me the cutest cake!

Cute right?! I didn't have a lot of time to do anything because I had class all day and I don't have a car to make it to the store but, I did do something. I got all of these pieces of paper and I wrote him all of these notes. On each note, I told him something that I liked about him. It was really fun because it made me realize how lucky I am! I hid those notes all over his room and different places so that he would find them eventually. Simple Valentine's day. I loved it!

I can honestly say that I'm lovin' life no matter what.

2011. here's to a new year.

2011.


A new year. A new beginning. The thought thrills me.





January was a great month. A lot of up and downs, but I can honestly say that I'm so proud of myself.


I had an emergency surgery to remove a cyst from my left ovary. While Dr. Hale was performing the surgery he found more issues. I had a blood sack.. (a fairly abnormal size one) and internal bleeding. Man was I happy that I had gone in for my annual female check up! The doctor told me that if they hadn't found the problems they did, when they did, there was a chance that the cyst would have burst when i was at school and I would have died. The Lord loves me. That's all that I can say. I really don't think I have ever understood how much he truly does love me until I went through this trial.


I did start my second semester up at good old Eastern Arizona. I love it so much. The work load is ridiculous but I can say that I'm a lot better student then I was before. I have an awesome guy that pushes me to do better in school so, it really does help alot.



I love the Institute here at EA. I'm taking a Book of Mormon class and a class that's called Teachings of the Living Prophets. It really is such a blessing to have institute so close! It's not even 5 minutes from where I live!



I have made it my goal to make 2011 one of the best years I will have. But even if it isn't I will keep lovin' life no matter what.