Friday, December 9, 2011

i have a long way to go.

I'm not very good and staying motivated. I try but to be honest it doesn't work for me. I can make myself lists of things to do, and only a few things on it will actually get done. Sometimes I can be stone cold, or so happy people think I'm on crack. I go through times of depression and anxiety or I'll be so content with life people will ask me, "How are you so chill?"
Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm human. That's been something that's been really hard for me to accept. I want to be a certain way or atleast in the past I have. I've wanted to be this amazing straight A student with amazing organizing skills who's a neat freak and who has a billion friends. That's just something I have to work on everyday.
I have my flaws. In fact, I have so many that some people may sterotype me for a bad person. Yes, I have lied. Yes, I have done things I'm not proud of. Yes, I have not treated my family how I should have. Yes, I have been hurt and hurt others. The amazing thing about those things are that I'm not the only one who does those things. Because I may do those things, it doesn't mean I'm a bad person nor does it make it right for me to do those things. But I'm human. I've finally come to accept that.
I'm screwed up. But who else isn't. No one's perfect. I finally am starting to heal, to grow, and to feel again. I realize I have a long way to go. So, here's to the journey.

Sunday, October 2, 2011


A friend is one of the nicest things you can have, and one of the best things you can be.

-Douglas Pagels

What a quote. It makes me think about what kind of friend I am.

This past Thursday, I was attending Institute. I take the New Testament and I usually learn so much from that class. This week I was distracted more than usual. My mind was running every where.

The teacher, who is such an amazing teacher, had us open up to Mark 2. It's the story we have all heard, some guy can't walk and so his friend cut the roof and lower the guy down. I didn't think much of it. To me at that moment it was just another miracle Christ performed. [I know I sound like a brat.] But then, our teacher asked us this rhetorical question, "Do you have friends in your life that make it possible, no matter what the circumstances, for you to see Christ?"

Immediately, the spirit shared with me a name of a friend. It was my friend Matt Bair.

Matt and I met up at Eastern Arizona in January. He lived in the same apartment complex which means he also was in my ward. I started going to the same Family Home Evening group as him. He would frequently give the lessons on those Monday nights and I always enjoyed them.

When I wasn't making good choices, he was still there. He never judged me. He would be there always in a heartbeat whenever I was in need of comfort. He often would give me blessings. Overall, he was a true example of Christ.

I had done something that I wasn't proud of and I told him about it. I knew I needed to get my life in order and it was one of the things I needed to do to make a step in the right direction. Instead of judging me and getting angry with me like another friend did, he forgave me and appreciated me coming clean with him.

Throughout the summer, we would talk frequently. He always motivated me to become better and to not be so hard on myself.

Recently, I was talking about the experience with him and admitting to him how hurt I felt on how the other friend had put me down while coming clean. He then admitted that he has stood up for me. He continued to tell me that he told the individual that I deserved the right to change.

Matt Bair is that friend who shows me the way to Christ no matter the circumstances.

Because of him, I have another reason to love my life.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

blig blug bloggity blog.

I officially love having my blog. I've had it for a while but the funny thing is I've never been so excited to go home and just blog. I have even gotten to the point where I'll be doing something during the day and I'll be like I can totally blog about that. Today, I was reading in the September 2011 Ensign and I really was like I need to blog about that article I read. Then I started wondering if my blog was going to actually go anywhere. But, then I realized it doesn't matter if it does. I'm doing this for me, my [future] family, and those who are guided to it by my loving Heavenly Father.

So, if you are reading my blog, there are only 4 reasons:

1. I told you to.

2. You're family.

3. You're bored.


4. You felt like you needed to.

I hope that you learn something from all my different posts. Feel free to comment, express your feelings, love or concerns. Part of this life is learning from your mistakes and from others.

As you all know, I'm truly loving my life no matter what. xoxo

Sunday, September 18, 2011

count your blessings.

I don't remember a time in my life in which everything in life was going right. I'm not saying that I'm not having challenges or hard times but, everything works out and works out for the better! I never know what life is going to throw in mine or my family's life but I really don't worry about it because of the fact that I have the gospel of my Savior, Jesus Christ in my life.
I have always been a member all my life but honestly that doesn't mean I've been a member. That all changed within the last couple of years. More recently though, my life has been dramatically changed for the better.
May 30, 2011, I woke up and stared at my ceiling in my apartment and felt like a ton of bricks were on my chest. I knew that something wasn't right. I had been feeling like something wasn't right for a bit but, I think I kept filing it in my filing cabinents in the back of my head as I often use to do. I got up and went through my morning activity, go eat and sit on the couch. Nothing exciting going on in the day. I found myself lost in my thoughts and it hit me. What I was doing with my life, was not going to get me anywhere. I knew I needed to change and that it was not going to happen in Thatcher, Arizona where I was living. So I called my mom, and 6 hours later I was home with my family. Probably the best impulsive decision I've made in a really long time.
The summer went by so slowly. I was hired in June to be an instructional aide for a 12 year old girl who has down syndrome. Sadly, I had to wait until August to start, so that caused things to go by really slow. My family was having a hard summer. Our life had been turned up side down it felt like. My siblings were so different. My mom was pretty sick. Dad was working 10-14 hours day and making hardly anything. Dylan was in Utah and we had no idea what really was going on with him. But, because of all these things it stirred my desire to become a true member of the church. I knew that I needed to start praying everyday morning and night, not just when I needed something. I knew that my scriptures had to become a priority. Most of all, I knew that I needed to stop trying to put on appearances and live what I was trying to appear to be.
This was the best summer I have ever had. I finally felt the spirit again. I was closer to my family especially to my mom than ever before and I was making progress. Work started and man do I have my work cut out for me everyday. I am taking a sign language class in which my wonderful parents paid for. It's been a blast learning this language! It's a struggle for me not to talk in the class of course.
I started attending Institute and that's where I met Brenton. Brenton had only been home from his 2 year mission to Finland for about 2 weeks the first time I met him. I was immediately attracted to him but he wasnt sitting anywhere really close to me so that I was able to talk to him. Luckily for me though, he was within eye sight so I was able to glance at him a lot! After Institute, there are really adorable couples that make meals so that they can get all the YSA's to linger longer and interact with each other. Brenton walked by and I noticed he wasn't going to stay so I called out to him and told him to grab some food. He admitted that he was having a hard time adjusting back to American food. That was our first interaction with each other and I had no idea why he had an affect on me already, but he did. The next week, I got out of my sign language class a little late and I decided to go home because Dylan came home from Utah. I decided to go to Institue even though I was going to be a half hour late. How glad I am that I did! When I arrived, I peeked through the window to see where a seat was so that I could get in there without interrupting to much. I noticed that there was a seat next to Brenton but I decided against going and sitting by him. I did sit in a seat where I had a good view of him! :) Later in the class, I made some comment and I noticed out of the corner of my eye was that Brenton had completely turned aroudn to look at me. I looked towards him and made eye contact and just knew that I needed to get to know him.
After class, I went into the gym for the linger longer and was chatting with some friends when I heard a voice ask me if the seat next to me was taken. I looked over to make sure the voice belonged to who I thought it did. It was Brenton with his bright smile. I'm pretty sure my heart skipped a beat or two but I quickly recovered and told him that he was more than welcome to sit next to me. We chatted and to me it felt like I had known him for a while when in reality I barely knew this kid. He left and I made the brave move to add him on facebook. He accepted (thankfully!). So the next step was to try and get to hang out with him. I went over in my mind if I was being too forward by just writing him on facebook and being like oh we should hang out or if I should just wait until next Institute to see him or whatever! I finally decided on just writing him on facebook and I simply said,"hey i'm glad we were able to talk the other night, we should hang out sometime." Luckily, he replied by agreeing and giving me his number and the rest is history! I wrote him on a Friday and we went out to lunch that next Wednesday. I've seen him everyday since! I think my favorite activity with him so far was when we went on a temple date. It was the first time I had been in several years, and I don't think I could have gone with someone more perfect. Brenton is so supportive in everything. We went and did baptisms for the dead and Brenton was able to confirm and baptize me. I loved walking out of there hand and hand with him knowing that it was an activity where not only we were helping others but, we were doing something that was going to better ourselves and our relationship.
I have finally slowed myself down and realized how blessed I truly am. There are so many things that I have been blessed with but I think the best thing that I've been blessed with are the people in my life. So whenever I hear Blake Shelton's song God Gave Me You, I tend to think about all the different people who have been placed in my life. (If you have never heard the song you need to listen to it.)
So truly, I am loving life no matter what.

Monday, March 21, 2011

who says.

Who says your not good enough?

Satan does. Man do I H-A-T-E him. That probably isn't the most Christ like thing to say but, honestly, he is very hurtful.

Everyone talks about how there are all these things to look out for. That he has all the traps set up and we need to be better to not let him in. But, who out of those people haven't fallen for his traps?

I am one of those people, who falls into his traps. I can look at myself in the mirror and just think, "Wow, look another zit. Dang my eyebrows are not very well groomed. Stupid teeth, you aren't very white. Come on boobs. Why aren't you a little bigger?" But what good does that honestly do for me? IT DOESN'T DO ANY GOOD!

Satan constantly works on me everyday. When I was dating Nathan, he was always putting these ideas in my mind that I was never good enough for him, especially that I didn't fit into his life style. When really, it was just the opposite. Everything that he had, he worked for. I was good enough because HELLO I was dating him!

Satan also puts temptations in my path and he does it mostly with entertainment. I have Netflix at my apartment at school that my roommate and I share. We love to watch tv shows and movies on it! But,the bad thing is that we have access to movies that we honestly shouldn't have access to. There are way to many rated 'R' movies out there! It's really easy to just say, "oh, they only have a few cuss words." Or even say, "There is only one nude scene!" It's a very Satan-ic way to think and the said thing is, everyone is guilty of doing it once in their life.

Even though I have the issue with letting Satan in a lot, I'm not going to let him determine if I'm going to be happy for not. OR if I'm lovin life.

Because I am, loving life no matter what.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Anger is not an expression of strength..

Anger is not an expression of strength. It si an indication of one's inablility to control his thought, words, his emotions...when the weakness of anger takes over, the strength of reason leaves.
-Gordon B. Hinckley
This week (man) was not a good one at all.
Do you know how hard it is to get over heartbreak? It hasnt even been a full week and I have cried so much, lost a bunch of sleep, haven't been eating, and my personal hygine levels have dramatically changed. But you know what, life goes on. I care the world for that boy still and if I had my choice I wouldn't change the week for anything.
It really is my fault. I am an awfully contentious person. I am such a weak person. I really have so much growing up to do. It sucks to admit that I don't have hardly any strength. I am someone that lets my pride take over everything.
I was talking to a friend and he gave me some suggestions on how to not be prideful. So, my goal is to not be prideful, to serve others. So, I'm going to atleast one act of service a day and blog about it. Maybe you'll even get a picture of the service!
I got to go home to Mesa. I'm finally able to see them. It's spring break for me and I was suppose to stay in Thatcher and find a job but, I would have sat and wallowed in self pitty.
I am loving life no matter what though.

Monday, February 28, 2011

when your day is glum, blog.

I'm extremely frustrated. Today, I feel very unappreciated. That's all I'm going to say.
I got to talk to my brother Dylan today. Man, it was really nice to hear his voice. I miss that guy.
The other thing that's hard, is the fact that I'm at the age when all of my closest friends have different schedules or they are on missions.
I did get to do something else that I enjoy today which was go to institute and read the book The Hunger Games.
Tonight is FHE and I'll probably go running tonight.
But honestly, I love my life even if I had a glum day.